Sunday, May 1, 2011

Osama bin Laden's First Day in the Afterlife

Osama bin Laden dies and goes on to his spiritual reward.  He finds himself on a green meadow, luscious and beautiful with flowers and sunlight.  He smiles to the skies of what must certainly be Heaven.

In the distance Osama sees a man coming toward him.  It!  Can it be?  It's none other than George Washington!  Now certainly there's a fellow who understood fighting for freedom from oppression.  But as Washington approaches bin Laden, Osama realizes that although from America's distant past when people were smaller, George was actually a pretty big guy.

George hauls back, and socks Osama bin Laden across his hairy face with a fist of iron, and follows it up with another, then another...

Osama sees, through the hail of blows, another man coming.  Who could this be?  It's Thomas Jefferson?  What kind of Heaven is this?

Thomas Jefferson lays into Osama with his own knuckles.  They didn't call him Old Hickory for nothing, and it's like being battered with an entire grove of angry trees.  But now who's coming over the hill...?  What the hell?  Robert E. Lee?

"God!"  Osama screams to the sky.  "O God!"  He can barely get the words out.  "You promised me if I went through with my plans I would be rewarded with an eternity with forty virgins!"

Osama is startled to get his first unambiguous response from God.  "I said Virginians."

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