Thursday, February 27, 2014

The View From Above... shoes, that is.

Here they are:
Sexy, not really.  Just tall.

My few regular readers will probably remember that I do a little acting in community theater from time to time.  I have been fortunate enough to win the part of Aunt Augusta in "The Importance of Being Earnest," it was really the only part I was auditioning for.  I wanted it.

I'm a guy.  I'm about 5' 10", which isn't especially big for a guy.  For a woman however it's pretty large, and when set atop 3" heels (and under a foot-high hat) Aunt Augusta is downright imposing.  That was the plan.  She's an imposing character.  I have dreamed of taking Aunt Augusta right over the officious, blustering top in high style ever since I first saw the play.

It's a peculiar quest to find heels of any height for a guy - any guy - let alone one my size.  Get online and Google "women's shoes for men" and your popup banner ads start to get a little weird.  I won't get too graphic, but let's just say it wandered into alternate lifestyles of which I do not take part.

I found shoes that fit.  I normally wear a men's 12 to 13, which we guessed would translate to a women's 15W.  They're a little big but that's good, I think men's feet tend to be a bit wider than women's, certainly men's shoes tend to be wider than women's.  So I have nearly sufficient width for my feet and a bit more length than is strictly necessary.  Padding takes care of that.

But my toes are under terrific pressure from my own body weight.  They are bent into an odd angle that hurts after a while.  The heel of the shoe begins to bear up against my own heel in a way that my usual everyday shoes never, ever do.

So now we come to the point of this post: high heels hurt.  I have always told my wife that she is never prettier than when she is comfortable; if she is wearing something that doesn't feel good then by all means she should take it off and throw it away.  Life is too short.

Heels hurt.  They hurt all the time and then when I take them off my feet continue to hurt for hours afterward.  I understand that my limited experience means that my feet haven't become accustomed to them and they would probably get better if I had both better-fitting shoes and gave them more time to acclimatize.

But they hurt.  Why in the world would I want to acclimatize to that?

Take your high heels off and throw them away.  It may sound terribly hypocritical to say that, after 4 decades of having never said anything about women's shoes, but that was because I had no experience.  I have that experience and now can say, from a much more sympathetic viewpoint, that high heels have no saving grace at all.  Besides being flimsy and subject to structural failure, they can and do cause permanent injury over time besides being highly uncomfortable in the moment.

And don't start me on bras.  Holy cow.  Between the shoes and the bra my back feels like I've been splitting wood and raking leaves since September.  The ache won't go away.

As part of the gender that has somehow encouraged or even required all you ladies to put yourselves into this state, I apologize.  I assure you, I did not actively take part.  And for my part, I say set it all aside as soon as you can.  Like I said, life is too short.