Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Book of Leifiticus

1) Honor thy handyman and his assistant, for their fingernails are worn down for thy sake.  Waste not his time nor his effort, he has no more hours in the day than thou.

2) If thee should find thy handyman with his head and shoulders within the devices of thy dwelling, disturb him not.  His ears cannot hear thee, and his kiester attendeth not.

3) Change thy own air filter, for thou art not a fool, and a lame monkey could do it blindfolded.  Waste not thy handyman's time and effort.

4) Attendeth thou at the meeting wherein the helpdesk tickets are described in their nature and their use.  If thou hast a problem at thy workstation and thou file not a helpdesk ticket, be not aggrieved.  Thy handyman knoweth not that thy desk be on fire until thou tell him so.

5) Strive mightily to feed nought but bean-sized debris and smaller into thy industrial food disposal.  For though thy handyman hath described yon device as a caged demon lurking 'neath the spray sink and it can eat thy arm, it will surely jam upon thy arm as it has jammed upon thy pork chop bone.

6) Strive mightily too to feed but little into the disposal.  Scrape debris(1) into yonder garbage can whose capacity is an ephah or more, for that is its purpose.

7) When thy workers have jammed the disposal demon with pork chop bones and an ephah of beans, be glad thy handyman is dealing with it.  The hour is late and his sleep disturbed so he can reach shoulder-deep into the demon's gullet and set it to rights.

8) If thy handyman be on fire, put him out, for he is not an offering and the odour is not pleasing to me.

9) Chew well thy food and eat thou plenty of fiber, that thou cloggeth not thy porcelain Honda and require thy handyman's time and effort.

10) Monitor thy children that they shall not defile the porcelain Honda and clog it with things never chewed, nay even Spongebob and Bullwinkle though they be but small, shall never pass through the Honda's nether workings.

11) Turn thou off lights upon leaving a room, for darkness costeth not a shekel nor even a dinar.

1 Some translations have offal

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